Family Dysfunction-7 Ways to Spot It

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Angela D. Coleman

Angela D. Coleman, Ìbíyínká Oladojá Oyèwọlá, is a nonprofit executive, social entrepreneur, and scholar-practitioner dedicated to transforming communities through innovation, systems-level thinking, and equity-centered solutions.

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Family dysfunction can be difficult to spot because it seems so “normal” for children who grow up this way. But in reality, it’s harmful and unhealthy. As a more self-aware adult, you can spot it, understand its impact on you, and distance yourself accordingly.

It may seem easier to simply say and do nothing, to go along to get along. As a child, you had no choice.

It’s often helpful to get therapy if you grew up around family dysfunction. As an adult, your family most likely still has a hold on you psychologically. No one wants to be labeled a troublemaker or be the “black sheep” of the family. And the nature of the unhealthy behaviors makes it difficult to take on by yourself.

Please seek the help of a qualified therapist or medical professional to help you understand and process your family dynamic.

If you pay attention and remove yourself from your family’s primary environment, you will likely be able to see it more clearly.  But… do you know what to look for?

Family Dysfunction-7 Ways to Spot It

If you experience these, family dysfunction is very likely present:

1. There is toxic behavior that includes inappropriate communication and comments, disregard for boundaries, unhealthy habits and rituals that most or all members of the family regularly participate in. There is a lack of connection, reciprocity, and trust among family members.
2. The dysfunction is generational, longstanding, and pervasive. The original source may be undefined trauma from decades or even hundreds of years ago.
3. No one person in the family is identified as the single source of family dysfunction because the family unit as a whole is dysfunctional. Each family member plays their part.
4. Family members seamlessly and automatically form alliances and cliques to outnumber and bully others in the family, especially those family members who speak out against family dysfunction and aspire to have a different type of lifestyle for themselves.
5. Family drama, including broken relationships, abuse, and neglect are common and normalized, thus creating a pattern that is often repeated by the children in the family as they become adults.
6. When the family gets together, relations are very tense and strained. For productive family meetings, a third-party professional mediator, such as a therapist, may be required, and each family member has their own (sometimes hidden) agenda.
7. Mother-daughter and father-son relationships are especially strained and difficult where parents may compete with their children, are jealous of their accomplishments, and abuse power and authority to give and withhold affection and access to what their children want and need.

Maybe you are hesitant to step outside of the family unit and do something different for yourself, no matter how unhealthy it is. Certainly, there are risks involved.  However, there are also risks in doing nothing.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, there is always hope for your future. You don’t have to be like them if you don’t want to. You determine who you are and build your own future.