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To be received with maximum benefit, when you say “I’m sorry that that happened to you,” it should be said with absolute certainty and sincerity, in the wholeheartedness that the recipient deserves, with no “but” or disclaimer at the end:
I’m sorry that happened to you.
Why it’s helpful
It is a statement that qualifies as psychological first aid. “I’m sorry that happened to you” can be said at any time and at any place in a person’s life. A statement filled with emotional intelligence, it conveys empathy without victimizing and even shares the feeling of helplessness that often resides in the impact when something bad happens. The loss of control resonates with this statement because no matter what we do or don’t do, sometimes being in the wrong place at the wrong time, misguided trust, or dumb bad luck can hurt us.
And when we are hurt, we need someone to help us navigate the troubles. Someone we trust, someone who cares about us, or someone in a unique position to assist such as a professional counselor or caregiver.
Saying “I’m sorry that that happened to you” is a great beginning when reaching out or reaching in to help someone.
How you say it
It’s not complicated and its an easy sentence. However, your tone and body language are also key to making the statement, “I’m sorry that that happened to you,” more or less effective in building trust and understanding.
Be genuine with the statement; if you don’t mean it, don’t say it.
Ask yourself, why are you sorry? Is it because you love the person and when they are upset, it upsets you, too? Is it because it is such as bad thing that you can’t imagine how you would react if it happened to you? Is it because you feel guilty, like you had a role in the thing that happened? It will be helpful to think about this because your true feelings will inevitably affect how you say it.
If you are flippant or rude about it, then the statement is not actually communicating your truth.
The most important thing to remember is intention. If you are not saying it to help the person, why say it at all?
Building bridges
Saying “I’m sorry that that happened to you” can build a bridge. It is effective and kind communication. Why not give it a try?